


Jingle All The Way

by beautifulmidnight



Category: Biohazard | Resident Evil (Gameverse)
Genre: Christmas, Holidays, Humor, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-01
Updated: 2012-04-01
Packaged: 2017-11-02 20:48:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/373183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beautifulmidnight/pseuds/beautifulmidnight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chris Redfield and Leon Kennedy go Christmas tree shopping.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jingle All The Way

"Tell me again, Rookie, why we're driving all the way out in the middle of nowhere to cut down a Christmas tree when there are perfectly good Christmas tree lots all over the DC/Metro area?" Chris Redfield asked his friend, his thumb pressing the "volume down" button for the radio on the steering wheel.

"Because Claire and Jill thought it would be a good way for us to spend some time together? No homo," Leon replied with a shrug. He leaned casually against the door and looked out the passenger side window, watching the beautiful countryside of Western Maryland pass him by.

"Continue on I-95 for next five miles," the computerized GPS voice announced.

"Maybe. I think they just wanted to be alone. What do women do when they're alone together?" Chris flicked the turn signal on with a quick snap of the wrist. He seemed irritated, but most men would be when they were forced to go Christmas tree shopping when it was nine degrees out. "Have tickle fights in their panties and then hit each other with pillows?"

"Please tell me you really don't think that's what girls do when they hang out."

"Of course not," Chris coughed. "I just think that's what the girls _I_ know do."

Leon shook his head.

"I mean come on! They took that pole class at the gym…" Chris thought back to the conversation he overheard his sister and Jill having with Rebecca Chambers. "I'd kind of like to see the results of that. Excluding my little sister, of course. That idea is appalling."

"I don't know, I wouldn't mind watching your sister," Leon smiled faintly to himself. "I bet Claire is a really good dancer."

"What did you say, Rookie?" Chris frowned, feeling his protective nature to his little sister start to kick in.

Unfazed, Leon repeated himself. "I said, I bet Claire is a really good dancer."

"WHAT!" Chris took his hands off the wheel and half-lunged for Leon, but it didn't quite work. His seatbelt kept him in place, and the Hummer swerved, pulling him back to his seat away from Leon.

"Recalculating route…recalculating route…recal—" the GPS beeped.

"Shut the fuck up you damn GPS!" Chris roared.

Leon easily dodged Chris' attack and chuckled. It was too easy to wind the older of the Redfield siblings up. Leon's smiled faded and his eyes widened when he saw where the vehicle was heading. "Chris, look out!" he warned.

Chris put his hands back on the wheel and turned in his seat just in time to see a farm fence appear in front of the Hummer.

"Oh shit!" he cursed.

The pair crashed through the fence and Chris furiously hit the brakes. Tree branches pelted the vehicle, making scratching sounds against the doors and horrid crunching noises under the tires. A blur of brown and white flooded Leon's vision and he gritted his teeth, silently praying they wouldn't hit a tree, farmhouse, or cow. Leon wasn't into prayer much, but he was willing to try anything to get out of this situation. Chris was screaming in frustration, and his boots were pounding against the car floor. Leon squeezed his eyes shut and gripped what he had dubbed the "oh-shit handle" above his door and held on as the Hummer plowed down a hill. When the vehicle had come to a complete stop, both men let out a sigh of relief.

They sat for a moment, each trying to slow their heart rate. Chris peeled his fingers off the steering wheel and stiffly turned off the engine.

"I don't fucking believe it," Chris breathed. "We crashed, but we landed in a fucking parking space."

"What?" Leon thought he didn't hear Chris correctly.

"See for yourself."

Leon let go of his "oh shit handle" and unbuckled his seatbelt. He opened the door of the Hummer, practically kicking it. Sure enough, he and Chris had landed in between a pair of white painted lines on pavement. Several other cars were in the row they were in, but they were far away from everyone else. Good thing too, otherwise, if they had landed another fifty feet closer, they would've crashed into someone else.

"Destination on right," the GPS pinged. The suction cups that rooted it to the window popped, and the device tumbled to the dashboard, bouncing off and then landing with a hard thump on the floor.

"Shit Redfield. You've got talent," Leon remarked as he picked up the device and placed it in his glove box.

He got out and slammed his door, looking for marks and dents in his vehicle. Not a scratch or blemish could be found. He was pleased that Chris hadn't fucked his car up. On the way back he was going to drive and Chris was going to be in the passenger seat.

"Don't talk about my sister like that again, Rookie, or next time I'll kick your ass so hard you'll have to take off your shirt to shit," Chris threatened. "Now let's pick out this tree!"

He said the last sentence a little too perkily in comparison to the first half. Leon hid a chuckle.

The two friends made their way to the entrance of the lot where a hand-painted sign read: "Make Christmas Memories! Chop Down Your Own Tree! See Owner For Shovel And Ax."

"What kind of tree should we get? This forest is huge," Leon sighed, looking at the vast expanse of trees before them.

"A big, huge one! The best Christmas tree! The Christmas tree to end all Christmas trees!" Chris sang.

"Hello boys, how are you doing? Mighty cold out to be picking a tree today," an old man, at least sixty or seventy years old, had emerged from a run-down shack to greet them. He wore so many layers of clothes he was walking like a penguin. A blast of heat pushed its way out of the shack as the door closed, and Leon wished he could spend the rest of the day in there, or at the very least, his Hummer with heated seats.

"We're adventurers," Chris smiled. "Brave adventurers."

"Well, grab a shovel and an ax and go pick out your tree. Bring it back here and you can pay for it and be on your way."

"Sounds great. Let's go Rookie."

Leon followed Chris to the back of the shack where several shovels and axes were laid out across a couple of picnic tables.

"I'll carry the shovel," Leon volunteered.

"I don't want to carry the ax!" Chris whined. "Play you for it!"

"What?"

"Rock, Paper, Scissors. I'll play you for it. Whoever loses carries the ax."

Leon rolled his gray eyes and reluctantly took his hand out of his pocket. "Fine. Whatever. If it'll shut you up."

 _Good old predictable Chris, always chooses rock,_ Leon thought.

 _Good old rock,_ Chris thought. _Never lets me down._

Chris and Leon formed fists, then nodded. "One…" Chris began, pumping his fist in time with the numbers he counted off. "Two…"

"Three!" Leon finished.

Leon had flattened his fingerless-gloved hand to resemble paper, and Chris had kept his fist balled up to resemble a rock.

"Paper covers rock," Leon shrugged, placing his hand above Chris' fist.

"Damn it, damn it, damn it!" Chris cursed. "Best two out of three."

"Shit no," Leon refused. "Carry the damn ax."

The government agent grabbed a shovel and started walking away. "Let's go."

"Just for that, I'm going to pick out the biggest damned tree I can find!" Chris promised.

"All right. We need to find a big one anyway," Leon agreed. "Jill kind of has a large living room."

Chris selected an ax and the two friends started walking towards the forest, ready to select the perfect tree.

~

"C—Ch--Chris, t—th--his is r—r--ridiculous bro," Leon hissed through chattering teeth.

He had no idea how long they had been walking, or how far away they were from the farm, all Leon knew was that his legs were numb and his eyes were frozen.

"J—J—Just a little bit further," Chris replied. "I—I—can s—sense the p—p—p—perfect tree up ahead."

Just when Leon was about to tell Chris where he could stick it if they didn't find the perfect tree, the former S.T.A.R.S. member let out a cry of jubilation.

"That's it Leon! That's it right there!"

Chris pointed to a tall, perfectly shaped Douglas Fir tree. It was the ideal holiday tree: skinny towards the top, but fuller and wider the further down the trunk you went. The branches appeared strong and were vibrantly green, and a faint dusting of snow glittered and sparkled in the fading sunlight, like it already had tinsel and lights on it. There was just one problem…

"C—Ch--Chris, that thing wouldn't fit in Jill's front yard."

The very idea of them finally finding a tree made Leon warm a bit. Maybe they could go home after all…now, he felt himself getting chilled again.

"It's not going in her yard. It's going in her living room," Chris said in a "well, duh" voice.

"It's got to be at least fifteen feet tall."

"Nah. Besides, we can trim it."

"Okay…"

Leon discovered another problem. "Chris, what did you do with the ax?"

"What?" Chris' smile faded.

"The ax. Where is it?"

"I…" Chris looked around, scratching his head. "I had it right here!"

"Did you forget to pick it back up after you went to the bathroom?"

"No…" he said it in such a way that it actually sounded like a big "yes."

"You did!"

Chris smiled sheepishly.

"What do we do now?"

"Well…" Chris sighed. "If we go home without a tree, Jill and Claire will murder us. They'll need our dental records to identify our bodies. So," he looked pointedly at Leon's shovel.

"So…we dig," Leon's shoulders sagged. "I hope the tree roots aren't too deep."

Chris held out his hand for Leon to pass him the shovel and Leon shook his head. "No way, buddy. No way. YOU fucked us over, YOU dig with your hands."

"FINE, be that way," Chris sniffed. "See if I let you date my sister now."

"What was that?"

"Nothing."

~

Several hours and $800 later, the two friends were in Leon's Hummer, the biggest Christmas tree either had ever seen strapped to the roof with a million feet of twine holding it together. The top of the tree was bent over the windshield, and Leon had to stick his head out the driver's side window every few minutes to see where he was going. Chris was whining because he sprained his wrist and twisted his ankle.

"Nobody said we had to ride that log down the damn mountain," Leon snapped. "Of course you were going to get injured sliding on a log while holding on to a shitty tree."

If it weren't for the seat warmers, Leon would've slapped Chris for putting him in this position. He hated sticking his head out the window like a dog, and it was freezing out. He was getting sick of listening to Claire's brother complain, too. After all, he wasn't the one driving illegally with his head out the side window with a Christmas tree strapped to the roof of his car…a tree that was covering his entire windshield and back window, no less.

"Well, pretty boy, if we did what you wanted, we'd still be on the mountain, walking back to the farmhouse. We've already been gone for over twelve hours," Chris snapped back.

"I know how long we've been gone," Leon quietly seethed. Since they got back within in cell tower range, his phone had been buzzing with messages from Claire. He sent her one text back that simply said,

_I'm going to kill your brother._

"Good thing we're almost home. I'm tired," Chris yawned.

"You're tired? _You're tired?_ I'm the one that had to haul that shitty shovel around and cut the roots off the damn tree!" Leon snarled.

"Quit your whining hair boy."

"Try and make me, Mr. Steroids."

"If you think after this I'm going to let you date my sister, you've got another thing coming."

"Like Claire is going to listen to you when it comes to her dating life."

Chris sighed. "I—shit. Look Rookie, I'm sorry…today was a bad day."

"Ha. That's the understatement of the year. But, apology accepted."

The two rode in silence for awhile, and just when Leon was about to be thankful for the peace, Chris opened his mouth again.

"What do you think the girls are going to say about the tree?"

"They're going to love it," Leon said with a smirk, knowing full well that Jill was going to pitch a fit.


End file.
